Terms and Conditions

Terms and Conditions of the Internet

1 - Introduction

These terms of use govern all of your use of the internet: by using the internet you are hereby agreeing to these terms and conditions. If you do not agree with these terms, then you may not use the internet.

2 – Acceptable Use

You may not use the internet for any purpose that is unlawful, illegal, or malicious in any way. All federal, state, and local laws still apply. Failure to follow these rules can result in fines, imprisonment, or a permanent ban form the internet.

3 – Monitoring

The NSA reserves the right to save and monitor all information from the internet. This includes but is not limited to: usernames, passwords, addresses, phone numbers, Social Security Numbers, and all intellectual property. All forms of media submitted on the internet will be monitored by the NSA. By agreeing to these terms, you are hereby giving the NSA permission to track all of your internet activity and monitor all communication.

The United States Government, and specifically the NSA, reserve the right to regulate and edit all information on the internet as necessary. The United States Government hereby has permission to limit or block any information on the internet from people of interest for national security.

The extent of this monitoring includes both public and private information. The NSA hereby claims the right to access all protected or encrypted data without further permission from the user. The NSA has permission to gather protected information from internet companies to further enhance national security. The NSA does not need to publicize its means of getting any information.

4 – Users

These terms and conditions apply to all users of the internet, regardless of purpose. These terms apply not only to all United States citizens, but also to every internet user on the planet. Failure to comply with these terms in foreign nations may result in invasion or warfare. The United States Military reserves the right to use nuclear bombs on foreigners suspected of terrorism.

5 – Punishment

If any of the information gathered by the NSA is determined to be a threat to national security, or malicious or unlawful in general, the United States Military or the FBI will be alerted. Acts of terrorism are punishable by fines, imprisonment, death, and torture. The NSA has the right to use this information for judicial purposes in prosecution. Following are some but not all of the crimes prosecuted with this information: copyright infringement, drug trafficking, and underage drinking.

All information found on the internet can be used against you in a court of law.

6 – Conclusion

Any questions or complaints about these terms can be sent by snail mail directly to President Obama at the White House.

By agreeing to these terms and conditions, you are hereby selling your soul to the United States Government. These terms are binding and nonnegotiable. Uncle Sam is always watching you. 'Merica.