Internet Terms of Service

The federal government has been receiving a lot of criticism lately over its illegal surveillance programs. In order to help clear these issues we have written a simple “Terms of Service” so that we can all have a better understanding of what to expect on the internet.

Internet Terms of Service

Thank you for using the internet. The internet is provided by the National Security Agency, The Federal Bureau of Investigation, and the Central Intelligence Agency located at absolutely everywhere and henceforth referred to as The Government. By using the internet you are agreeing to these terms. These terms are intended to keep you safe and protect your freedoms on the internet.

As a user of the internet you agree to allow The Government free and unlimited access to your online activities. This includes personal emails, social media accounts, news websites and blogs, comments sections, video sharing sites, pornographic sites, web searches, web chat, video calls, religious websites, political websites, image boards, satirical websites and any other method of interaction online. You forfeit all rights to contest the use of this information for any purpose including but not limited to criminal investigations.

Do not misuse the internet. Misuse includes using the internet to plot criminal activities or terrorist attacks, visiting websites of groups unfriendly to the mission of The Government, sharing confidential government information, saying anything threatening, saying anything that can be mistaken for a threat, writing articles critical of The Government, or otherwise improperly abusing your First Amendment Rights. By using the internet you agree that you have nothing to hide from The Government and are fully committed to being a good American Citizen.

For violating the terms of service The Government reserves the right to suspend the rights granted to you in The Constitution and further monitor your life in the form of secret FISA warrants. The Government is not required to disclose the purpose or scope of these warrants to you or any oversight committee. Using the record of your life we keep from our monitoring The Government reserves the right to scrutinize every decision you have ever made online or offline and make assumptions and decisions about your life. If The Government decides that you are a subversive element punishment will be handed down accordingly in the form of confiscation of electronics, restrictions on air travel, or other punishments The Government deems appropriate. The Government is not required to employ any due process in this. The Government is not responsible for any harm, financial, physical, personal, or otherwise that these actions may cause you. The Government is not required to answer any questions you may have on these terms of service. The Government is not required to have any oversight from Congress and reserves the right to lie when answering questions under oath at congressional hearings. The Government is not required to be truthful with the secret FISA court it uses to approve these terms of service and any other required spying on you. The Government is not required to respond to any lawsuits from the American people as this could compromise the safety of you or our system.

Information collected by The Government is used by The Government to continue to defend you from the thousands of terrorist attacks in ways that you would not understand and are not required to be disclosed to you. In cases where you believe that you haven’t done anything wrong The Government reserves the right to search your personal history and find something you did wrong or can be perceived as wrong. The Government assumes responsibility for keeping you, your nation, and your rights secure from elements that we deem dangerous but assumes no responsibility in protecting you from The Government itself.

These terms of service are not complete as there are many more things we cannot disclose to you but you must agree with. These terms may be changed at any time for any reason with no notice to you. In order to use the internet you must accept these terms.

Do you agree to the terms and conditions outlined in this document?

[_] Yes

[_] No, but continue to monitor me anyway   

Thank you for using the internet! Stay safe, stay free.