Terms and Conditions
In using the Internet, you are deemed to have read and agreed to the following Terms and Conditions:
These terms and conditions assume you, the internet user, to have a mastery of English above that of a high school level. Considering the average American literacy rate to be well below that, any legal disputes regarding the content of these Terms and Conditions will be immediately dismissed from any local or higher court with a ruling of "Poor Comprehension," and the plaintiff will be fined accordingly.
Privacy Statement
There is no privacy.
Confidentiality
Every action the internet user makes will be recorded and stored. If any suspicion of a threat to national security arises, a thorough analysis will be made of all past recorded history. In the course of this analysis, if any criminal activity not past the statute of limitations is discovered, the internet user will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. There is no guarantee that stored information will not be sold or distributed. However, as of the last update to these Terms and Conditions (9/1/13) there are no such plans.
Disclaimer
Acceptable Use
Using the Internet for any of the following is strictly forbidden and will result in legal action:
- Copyright infringement
- The sale and purchase of illicit materials
- Malicious practices (spam, distribution of viruses, denial-of-service attacks, etc.)
- Child pornography
Limitations
Due to the sheer amount of information and misinformation contained in the Internet, liability for any self-inflicted harm due to misinformation will not be placed on anyone but the internet user themselves. This is subject to change if any internet service accepts liability in their own Terms of Service. However, there is no legal precedent or obligation on the part of any internet service to provide such terms.
Application Use
Every internet based application should have its own Terms of Service. In it, the developing company may specify any particulars about the security of the information being handled. It is the developing company's full legal right to record, store, and access any handled data at their own discretion. However, the developing company is held accountable to the same Acceptable Use clause as any Internet user.
Tor Project
The Tor project affords the Internet user with a brief amount of privacy and anonymity. However, advancements and developments in cryptanalysis may soon allow for decryption of Tor packets. These packets will be stored along with less secure information until such a time, and users will be held accountable for any incriminating information found.
Payment
All payment for internet services will be handled by the internet user's choice of Internet Service Provider (ISP). It is the ISPs full legal right to allocate and restrict bandwidth, impose bandwidth caps, restrict port forwarding, restrict server hosting, press charges for violations, and monitor data. Service is not guaranteed throughout the country, and location may be a factor in affecting service performance.
Communication
Any queries or suggestions can be directed at the Internet user's local representative, and all changes to these Terms of Service must be handled with due democratic process. Any other information, such as compliments, thank you notes, etc., may be mailed to the Utah Data Center at Camp Williams, near Bluffdale, Utah, or posted anywhere on the internet, where they will be collected and stored at the Utah Data Center.
Additional Notes
It is common knowledge that, at most, 12% of people read the Terms of Service for any given service. In all honesty, these Terms of Service could have a clause that requires users to name their first-born child "EdwardSnowdenSucks" and people would probably still accept. After all, how can they live without their precious Facebook? God Bless America.
Due to the sheer amount of information and misinformation contained in the Internet, liability for any self-inflicted harm due to misinformation will not be placed on anyone but the internet user themselves. This is subject to change if any internet service accepts liability in their own Terms of Service. However, there is no legal precedent or obligation on the part of any internet service to provide such terms.
Application Use
Every internet based application should have its own Terms of Service. In it, the developing company may specify any particulars about the security of the information being handled. It is the developing company's full legal right to record, store, and access any handled data at their own discretion. However, the developing company is held accountable to the same Acceptable Use clause as any Internet user.
Tor Project
The Tor project affords the Internet user with a brief amount of privacy and anonymity. However, advancements and developments in cryptanalysis may soon allow for decryption of Tor packets. These packets will be stored along with less secure information until such a time, and users will be held accountable for any incriminating information found.
Payment
All payment for internet services will be handled by the internet user's choice of Internet Service Provider (ISP). It is the ISPs full legal right to allocate and restrict bandwidth, impose bandwidth caps, restrict port forwarding, restrict server hosting, press charges for violations, and monitor data. Service is not guaranteed throughout the country, and location may be a factor in affecting service performance.
Communication
Any queries or suggestions can be directed at the Internet user's local representative, and all changes to these Terms of Service must be handled with due democratic process. Any other information, such as compliments, thank you notes, etc., may be mailed to the Utah Data Center at Camp Williams, near Bluffdale, Utah, or posted anywhere on the internet, where they will be collected and stored at the Utah Data Center.
Additional Notes
It is common knowledge that, at most, 12% of people read the Terms of Service for any given service. In all honesty, these Terms of Service could have a clause that requires users to name their first-born child "EdwardSnowdenSucks" and people would probably still accept. After all, how can they live without their precious Facebook? God Bless America.
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