Hoverboards

Image of a "Hoverboard" courtesy of hight3ch.com

I will admit that I spend a lot of time on the internet, so I am no stranger the trends that are constantly emerging. I am even used to these trends leaking into the real world, whether it be in the form of a sticker or a meme pasted on a graphic tee that is best left buried at the bottom of the drawer beneath the countless “only wear that to bed or the  gym” shirts. I can tolerate stupid trends in two dimensions. It’s when they enter the third dimension that I have a problem. Everyone remembers the planking plague of 2011, and you might even remember the “owling” aftershock that followed in the plague’s wake. The most recent trend that has caught my attention in the worst way possible is the hoverboard. Now, when I say “hoverboard”, I don’t mean the cool Back to the Future kind. What I am talking about are the two-wheeled-self-balancing-electric abominations that people are whizzing around on. There are a lot of things wrong with these things, and I’m going to rant about all of them! So, sit back, relax, and prepare to hate these “hoverboards”. 

My first issue is the name. Although there are many different brands slapped on the “personal intelligent transportation” devices, many people have resorted to calling them, hoverboards. This is sort of a funny name considering the fact that THEY DO NOT HOVER. These things are no closer to a hoverboard than roller skates are to rocket boots. The name makes this thing sound way cooler than it actually is.

Image courtesy of User SAFE4WORKS on Reddit.com/r/wastedgifs

      
        Now, let’s talk about what this thing is. It is a seqway without the handlebars. Those things have been around for years and people, other than Paul Blart, don’t seem to pay too much attention to them.  What happens when the battery runs out? Then you’re stuck carrying around a 22 pound (yes I did my homework) hunk of rubber, metal, and plastic. I’m sure your convenient “cruise” to school would be quickly made an inconvenience when you have to carry around your dead hoverboard. Another issue I have with thing is, what happens when you hit a ledge or a curb? According to the IO Hawk website, their vehicle can overcome obstacles up to ½ inch high. Ha! I wouldn’t make it 10 yards with the condition of the sidewalks in my city. Also, be sure not to get this thing wet! Otherwise, you’ll have yourself a nice new 22 lb. paperweight.

        My final, and possibly most important, issue with these hoverboards is the question of whether or not this is really more convenient than walking. I mean, maybe it’s a little faster, but there are way cheaper options that go way faster (i.e. a bike). Surely you might be able to legally ride it on sidewalks, but wouldn’t it be a terrible game trying to weave in and out of the people who are ALL going more slowly than you. It’s annoying enough passing one person who is too slow, I want no part in passing all of them. They just don’t seem practical.

In conclusion, if  I wanted a  product that allowed me to move around a l little faster,  get caught on every pebble, and make me look like a fool, I’d go get myself a nice pair of  size 11.5 Heelys. Seeing internet stars, musicians, and celebrities all over the internet does not justify spending hundreds or even thousands of dollars on one of these things. If you want to waste that much money, just send it my way and I’ll find a better use for it! Rant Over.